It's a hard one to write.
Last year, I wrote this post. My memory is that the words came easily, but as I re-read it now, I see that I wrote about how hard it was to write.
I don't think that is ever going to change.
From where I am sitting now, I am the mother of one of the most perfect little boys ever to grace this earth. My son is charming and sweet and funny and handsome. He is the absolute light of my life. Being his mother is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Watching Jonathan as his father just makes me love him more and more. Nathaniel is the greatest blessing of our lives.
But when I think about infertility, and the road we had to travel to become parents, it just hurts. It hurts to think of all the tears shed, all the medication taken, all the procedures endured, all the negative pregnancy tests. It hurts to think of the people I met along that road that haven't yet reached their goal of becoming a parent. It hurts to think about having to endure all of that again in order to give Nate a sibling. Some may think that all the pain goes away once a child comes into your life. It doesn't. Nate is not a band-aid for my pain and grief over the way I thought life would turn out. I would never put that responsibility on his adorable little shoulders. My pain is still real, still legitimate, and is something that I am still processing.
Sometimes I feel as though if I don't think about it and if I try to forget that it ever happened, the course of our future will somehow change and suddenly make us fertile. If I don't acknowledge the pain and frustration, then it never happened, and somehow that would mean that we won't have to go through it again; that our journey will be easier.
But, those who know me know that I am a realist. I know what our medical testing showed us when we first met with our RE. I know how much worse it got in that year of treatment. While we would welcome the miracle of a spontaneous conception (something so many achieve without thought), I know that as we look ahead towards growing our family, we will most likely have to seek out treatment again. And even more than that, that this time, it might not work. We were blessed to get pregnant on our first IVF cycle. That is in no way a guarantee that we will have the same fortune the next time.
So, what does that mean to me? What does that have to do with National Infertility Awareness Week?
Well, this year's theme is "Join the Movement". On the homepage for NIAW, Resolve (the National Infertility Association) asks that we "Join the Movement" to:
- Bring infertility support groups to every community
- Increase and protect access to all family building options
- Help change the conversation about infertility
Let me speak to these points.
While Jonathan and I never did join a local support group for infertility (though we did get information about one), I was very active in some infertility support groups in the online community. "Friends" who I met through the computer were going through their cycles at the same time as I was, encouraging me as I shot myself up full of drugs, commiserated about the less than pleasant side-effects, and rejoiced in my positive pregnancy tests. These women were my sanity as I researched every step of the IVF process. They answered my questions and held my hand as I prepared for the egg retrieval and embryo transfer. I will always be grateful for their support. This is not to discount the amazing support I received from Jonathan or that we received from our families and close friends. This online community was in addition to all of our "real life" support, and I could not be more thankful.
There are few political "issues" that I get myself worked up about. While some of my political preferences are without a doubt quite liberal, I do have some conservative tendencies as well. One issue that I do try to follow quite closely has to do with family building. Several times over the last few years, I have engaged in debate with others regarding legislation pertaining to infertility. I made my decision as to who I would vote for in the last presidential election based on the candidate's stances on infertility issues that could potentially affect me. While I do not wish to make this a political post, suffice it to say that I do find great worth in "joining the movement" to protect family building options. It's not easy for everyone to conceive and I don't like the idea of allowing politicians to decide what I can and cannot do when it comes to building my family.
As far as the conversation about infertility is concerned, I think it is important to note that infertility is not what everyone sees in the movies and on television. It's not as simple as most TV comedies would have you believe. Aside from that, it always amazes me when television writers use infertility as a punchline. One of my absolute favorite shows on television used "test tube baby" as a comedic element recently and it was like getting punched in the gut. I enjoy this show, but this gave me a bitter taste in my mouth. I look at Nate and I don't see a "test tube baby". I don't see a punchline. I see my sweet, perfect son. I appreciate that some shows do try to take a more realistic look at infertility, but it's the cheap jokes and unrealistic plot lines that can be upsetting. If we start to change the conversation about infertility perhaps these things will start to change. Or, at the very least, perhaps the viewing public will identify a tasteless joke more easily and those of us who endured the reality of infertility will not have to awkwardly stand by as though nothing is wrong.
Infertility hurts. Infertility is real. 1 in 8 couples will experience infertility.
Join the movement. 1 in 8 couples? That means you know one. Embrace their story. Support their struggles. Lend your support. The links below have more information about infertility and NIAW.
Thanks for listening to the ramblings of a recovering infertile.
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