Mother's Day 2012... and a bit of 2011 as well...

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  I had an absolutely wonderful first Mother's Day.  Jonathan and Nathaniel made sure it was extra special for me.  When I woke up, I had a card and gift already waiting for me on my nightstand.  Of course, having Nate here with me this year is the best gift I could have asked for, but he and Jonathan decided I needed something more! :)

This isn't the best picture, but what they got me was a necklace with a monkey charm.  I often refer to Nate as my "little monkey", so it was very appropriate!  The stone is amethyst, which Jonathan picked because it is the 4 years anniversary stone - and he said it signifies the four plus years of marriage we had prior to our monkey joining us.  There are diamond chips in the feet of the monkey, which is cool because the diamond is Nathaniel's birthstone (lucky duck!).

We got ready and headed into Bayonne for church.  Nate slept through church, as always.  After church, we hung in Bayonne for a while and I opened my Mother's Day gifts from Jonathan's parents and sister.  Emily made me a scrapbook filled with pages that friends and family made at my baby shower - it's really neat!  She also made a precious scrapbook of the first six weeks of Nate's life.  Jonathan has been sending a "morning picture" every day to his parents, Em, and my mom, and Em downloaded a bunch of those from her phone, as well as several that I had sent her, and had them printed to use in the scrapbook.  It is truly an awesome and very thoughtful gift and I know that I will treasure it always.  I enjoyed going through the scrapbook while Nate snoozed on his Auntie Em's shoulder.

Nate sitting with Mommy after church

Jonathan and I came home for a bit so I could feed Nathaniel and then we went to a restaurant that I love, Uproot, for dinner.  We had a fantastic leisurely meal and Nate was awesome.  He slept right up until we were finishing dessert and then (after a diaper change) was perfectly happy to be passed around a bit.

Nate and Dido at Uproot

Nate checkin' out his Grams after dinner

After we came home from dinner, Jonathan, Nathaniel, and I took a nice walk around the neighborhood.  It was a great way to end the day.  By the time we were done I was exhausted and Nate was fussy.  I got him settled down and he feel asleep in my arms on the couch.  I took advantage of this and he and I snuggled and had a nice nap together until Jonathan woke us up to go to bed around 11:30.  I definitely enjoyed my snuggle time with my boy.

Mother's Day was great, but it took me a little while in the morning to warm up to it.  I felt like an impostor as I opened my gift and read my card.  It didn't feel like a holiday that belonged to me.  Last year, Mother's Day was one of the worst days of my life.  I had to go for bloodwork at the clinic, and that was really tough... just another reminder that despite all of our efforts, I was NOT a mother.  The nurses gave everyone a flower with a card that said "Believe in miracles".  I keep the card on the bulletin board over my desk at school - it's a good reminder for me.  I remember that one of the nurses from my clinic (we were at the main clinic for bloodwork that day since it was the weekend) insisted on being the one to give me my flower because I was one of her girls.  I had always appreciated the nurses, but that was the first time I realized how much of our journeys they took on themselves, and how much they cared.  I got in the car and started to bawl.  I managed to call my mom to wish her a happy Mother's Day, but it was really tough - and she understood and did everything she could to make me feel better - which made it easier and harder all at once.  I wanted to just celebrate her that day, but I was feeling so terrible myself.

It was a few hours later that I got the call from my doctor telling me that my AMH levels were lower than he would like to see and that while we could continue with that IUI cycle that we were already in the midst of, the odds were not in our favor and he would not continue to treat me with IUI.  He was very kind and compassionate about it, but basically he told me that we would have to do IVF or find another doctor.  At that point, we had done enough mediated IUI cycles for our insurance to cover IVF, so the decision was pretty easy... even if the reality of it was devastating at the time.  Here it was, Mother's Day, and I was finding out that I would never be a mother unless I went through some pretty intense medical procedures.  I was heartbroken.

Looking back, I suppose that it's sort of poetic that Mother's Day was truly the start of our IVF journey... and here we are a year later and I got to snuggle with my sweet little boy on Mother's Day... a day that holds so much joy for me now, but was a terrible source of pain just twelve months ago.

I thought a lot about the card that I received with my flower last year from my nurse... "Believe in Miracles".

I believe.  I really, truly believe.